


How About I Get You Some Chocolate

by extraterrestriallester (spaceyjules)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 19:40:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4032214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceyjules/pseuds/extraterrestriallester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Title: How About I Get You Some Chocolate (alternative title: I’ve Always had A Tendency to Self-Destruct)<br/>Summary: Dan has the scariest conversation of his life and Phil does the scariest thing he’s ever done, partially based on the College Dropout video.<br/>Warnings: self harm and suicide mentions.<br/>Genre: angst/fluff (mostly fluff tho i guess)<br/>Author’s note: i’m not claiming that any of the events actually happened. this is fiction. i don’t own Dan or Phil (obviously smh).</p>
            </blockquote>





	How About I Get You Some Chocolate

To say that Dan didn’t like law, would’ve been a heavy understatement. Dan is absolutely disgusted by law. Normally he could’ve bullshitted his way through this essay within a few hours, but it was so late and Dan was so tired. He’d been trying for hours and it sucked. Every sentence he made up, every letter he typed sucked. Everything he did looked awful and it made him feel like a horrific failure.

_Whilst contractual obligations are assumed…_

Dan liked to believe that he appreciated himself, but lying to yourself turned out to be even easier than lying to others. It was just like acting, really. Dan liked acting, pretending. It’s like he could escape being him for a while. Like he could forget how shit he actually felt.  
 _Stop thinking, do your homework._

Other people might do that by being around friends, but he only had Phil. Not that Phil couldn’t do that for him-  Come on Dan, revise, he thought, you can do this.  
 _Reasonable reliance, reliance by the customers relevant to-_  
In fact, Phil did that perfectly well for him, and that kind of was a problem for Dan. It wasn’t very convenient at least, because Dan needed Phil to be around from time to time (preferably all the time), but Phil didn’t need Dan, did he? To Dan, Phil was the only person he could really be himself around. He didn’t have to pretend to know or not know certain things, because Phil knew him from the inside out and Dan wanted him to. Dan wanted Phil to know everything about him, yet he didn’t tell him a lot about how he felt, because he knew Phil didn’t like it when Dan was sad.  
Sometimes Dan wasn’t sure if all of those feeling were completely platonic, but he sure as hell knew that those doubts weren’t returned and never would be, so he just avoided thinking about it as much as possible.

This homework was a fucking pain. Never would he have thought to be so bothered by something he cared about so little. That was the problem, you know? Dan would give everything to pass his exams and graduate from this stupid university, but at the same it was all so boring and meaningless that he thought of quitting every three minutes.  
It was horrible, not knowing what he wanted but there was an intense and clear feeling that it was not this, because this was exhausting and terrifying and stressful.

Suddenly he felt anger bubbling up in his stomach. Angry that he didn’t know what was going on with him, that he didn’t know how to make it go away and that he couldn’t talk about it because there was a gaping black hole where his complicated emotions should be. Angry that he felt trapped in his own head with the need to scream getting more and more urgent with every passing minute. His mind was too big for his head, he needed to hit or kick something and fight someone, he wanted to bang his head against a wall to make sure he could still feel pain. His insides turned, he felt his muscles tense.

He had to revise. He had to finish this essay, right now. ‘Not if I don’t give a fucking fuck anymore I don’t!’  
He jumped onto his feet, letting his chair fall onto the ground and kicking it several times. He bumped his toe into the corner of his desk and yelled out in pain. ‘Fuck! Fuck, shit! God fucking dammit!’

He collapsed to the ground.

God, this was pathetic. It was just an essay! Slowly his breathing evened out, and he stood up and put his chair back to its four feet. Half a minute passed, then Phil knocked at Dan’s bedroom door. His voice sounded muffled through the walls. ‘Dan? Are you okay? I heard swearing.’  
Dan ignored the leap his heart made when he heard Phil’s voice. He took a deep shaky breath and lifted up his head. ‘I’m fine! It’s just hard, that’s all.’ he tried to keep his voice steady and confident, but instead it came out shaky.  
‘You sure?’  
Dan ordered his papers. ‘Yeah, I- I’m fine.’ His voice broke on the last word, and Dan mentally kicked himself for being so emotional.  
‘Dan?’ Phil’s voice sounded worried now. ‘I’m coming in, okay?’

When Phil entered, he saw Dan, sitting at his desk with his head lying on his arms and his face turned down. Phil slowly walked towards him, and when he was next to Dan he laid his hand on the boys slightly shaking shoulder and levelled face to face with him. ‘Hey, how is it going?’ his voice was soft and calming.  
Dan sniffed, and let out a breathy laugh. The sound of his voice was muffled by the table, but Phil heard it very clearly. ‘What do you think? It’s fucking shit, Phil. I hate it.’  
Phil sighed emphatically. ‘I know. We could do something else for a while, if you want. When are you supposed to finish this?’  
Dan made a sound that lay somewhere between an annoyed groan and a pathetic sob. ‘Three days ago. Miss Sanders gave me extra time, but if it isn’t done by tomorrow, well…’  
‘Oh. I’m sorry.’

Since the moment Phil had walked in, Dan’s head was lying on the desk and covered with his arms. Only now, he looked up to Phil, showing his face.    
Dan looked burnt up. His eyes were red and puffy from rubbing them after crying, and his cheeks were glistening with the remains of tears. His hair was tousled from running his hands through it. Eyes that usually glistened with entertainment, held a tired and hollow look. He was silent for a few minutes, looking down at his hands. When he spoke, his voice was croaky. ‘God, I must look like shit.’ Phil kept his mouth shut; he had the feeling that Dan was trying to say something more important.  
‘I just- I don’t know, Phil.’ Dan sighed deeply, and it looked like he carried the weight of the world upon his shoulders. He ran his hands through his hair again. ‘It feels like so much. All of it. And I just, I, I-’ his voice had gotten shaky again, and the sentence ended in a half-hearted sob.  
Phil had to admit that he was little bit shocked with Dan’s sudden openness. He composed himself pretty quickly though, and drew a chair up to the desk, sitting down next to Dan. He then took all of Dan’s books, notebooks and remaining loose papers, and stacked them up. ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘We’ll look at that later.’ he turned to Dan, and looked him in the eye. ‘Let’s go downstairs, alright? I’ll make you some hot chocolate and you tell me what’s going on, is that okay?’  
Dan bit his lip as if he was considering to disagree, but then nodded. ‘Okay.’

Dan sat down on the sofa, instantly pulling up his feet and resting his forehead on his knees. When he hears to mugs being placed down on the coffee table, he lifts up his head just enough to see Phil sitting down next to him.  
Phil looked at Dan’s messy hair and suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to hug him, to just hold Dan for a bit and kiss the top of his head. Phil has caught himself thinking things like this more and more often lately. He knows he’s not supposed to, but sometimes he can’t help himself. He resisted the urge to wrap his arms around Dan and instead leans his head against Dan’s shoulder. He started talking to his best friend casually, like it’s a normal conversation on a normal Sunday evening. ‘So, how are your exams going? Not so great, uh?’  
Dan made low huffing noise and didn’t look up any further. ‘You heard me shouting, didn’t you?’ it’s statement, not a question. ‘Honestly Phil, what do you think?”  
Phil smiled and sighed. ‘I think you’re very tired, Dan. I think you’re not talking to anyone about how you feel and that that makes you even more tired. But, above all, I think that you should tell me how you are, instead of letting me guess. If you bottle it all up, it’ll only get worse.’

Dan showed a sad smile. ‘I’ve always had a tendency to self-destruct, haven’t I?”  
No-one said anything, and two minutes passed. Phil swallowed hard and sat up, moving his head from Dan’s shoulder to the wall. ‘Don’t joke about that.’ Phil’s voice was barely audible. ‘Do you know I still have nightmares about that sometimes? When you- I was so scared.’  
Dan looked up now,and stared at Phil. Not into Phil’s eyes though, he couldn’t say it to his face. ‘I’m sorry.’  
Phil’s breathing was very unsteady. His voice was shaky. ‘One text, Dan. You were going to leave me with one text. I would’ve never even met you.’  
Dan didn’t know what to say. They’d never talked about it like this.  
‘I know you don’t like talking about this, Dan. You’ll have to, though. I still have questions.’  
Dan playfully punched Phil’s arm. ‘It’s been, what? Two years? You could’ve just asked me.’  
‘Don’t turn this into a joke, I’m serious.’  
‘Sorry.’

Silence again. Phil looked at Dan, who’d been looking at everything but Phil for the past few minutes. Why isn’t he looking at me? Am I jealous of furniture? This was getting out of hand. Focus on something else, not Dan’s hair or the way he’s nervously tracing the folds in jeans because shit that is really cute and did I just think that Dan’s really cute?  
If there was anything that confused Phil, then it was Dan Howell. Every person has something that’s annoying, right? Flaws, bad traits, et cetera? Dan didn’t. Not to Phil, at least. Phil liked basically everything Dan did. Sometimes he would complain about Dan’s obsession with symmetry or Formula 1, but it wasn’t an actual downside. Even it was that to others, Phil didn’t really care, for Dan was Dan and that was more than okay.

‘Are you going to ask me about that time I tried to end myself, or what?’  
‘Shut up, I’m thinking.’  
‘Okay.’  
After another while of slightly awkward silence, Phil asked the first question. ‘Why me?’  
Dan doesn’t understand. ‘What do you mean?’  
‘Why did you text me?’  
Dan swallowed. ‘Because you were the only person who was important enough to me.’  
‘Not your parents?’ Phil asks surprised.  
Dan sighed. ‘I was an arrogant prat who disgusted my parents. Like every 17-year old, really.’

Phil didn’t know what to say to that. He decided it would be best to just keep asking. ‘I told you to call me if you were… down. Why didn’t you call me?’

The answer was so agonisingly honest that Phil had to dig his nails into his palms to keep himself from wrapping his arms around Dan and hold him tightly for a long time.  
‘Because I was scared that you’d stop me.’

‘I did stop you.’

‘I know.’ Dan couldn’t look at Phil. He wanted to, but he couldn’t. Phil makes him nervous, especially if he’s asking Dan personal questions. Not that Dan doesn’t want Phil to know anything about him, it’s just, he’s scared. He isn’t a complete blabbermouth, but around Phil he is quite talkative, so what if he said something he’d regret later? ‘Thank you.’

‘You’re not angry with me?’  
Dan bit his lip. ‘I was at first, but not anymore.’  
‘Are you happy now?’  
Dan scoffed. ‘Is that a serious question?’  
Phil seemed slightly offended. ‘Of course it’s a serious question, you arse.’

Dan took a while to answer. He spoke slowly. ‘I don’t know. It… differs. One moment I’m ecstatic, and the other I feel like absolute shit. I don’t know how I feel most of the time. It’s like most of my emotions aren’t real. It’s not… sharp.’  
Phil almost whispered his answer. ‘I don’t understand.’  
‘It’s like… I can feel things. I can feel happiness, and I can feel anxiety and everything else. But it’s like there’s a slight blur over all of it. Everything I feel is dull.’  
‘Oh.’ Phil is a bit speechless. ‘That sucks.’  
Dan nods. ‘It does.’  
Phil noticed Dan was shaking slightly, and violently clenching his fists. ‘Hey, are you okay? I mean, you’re not, but can I-‘

Dan let out a soft but unmistakable sob, and when Phil gently laid a hand on Dan’s shoulder, Dan completely collapsed. He cried and leaned against Phil, who awkwardly patted Dan’s back. Dan raised his head and looked Phil in the eye for the first time since they sat down on the couch. He turned he was facing Phil and whispered something, really quietly. ‘Can I hug you?’

Phil swallowed heavily, this was unexpected. ‘Yeah, of course.’  
Dan let out a relieved sigh and wrapped his arms around Phil’s neck. Dan buried his head in Phil’s chest, for as far as it was possible, and Phil rested his chin on the top of Dan’s head.  
‘I’m sorry this is necessary.’ whispered Dan. Phil could feel Dan’s breath on his chest. It was warm and shaky. Phil wrapped his arms tightly around Dan’s back. He lowered his head onto Dan’s shoulder. ‘It’s okay.’ Phil whispers into Dan’s ear. ‘You can uh, let it out now.’

Dan kept sobbing and sniffing softly for a while, then started talking. His voice was hoarse and croaky from crying, he didn’t look up to Phil. ‘I don’t know what to say.’  
Phil nestled his head a little further into the crook of Dan’s neck, who could almost feel Phil’s breath brush over the skin of his back. ‘Just say what you feel.’

‘Law sucks, I’m a useless piece of shit, nothing matters anymore, that sort of thing.’

‘What do you mean, nothing matters?’

Dan sighed. ‘Look, in the end, the universe doesn’t care. It just doesn’t give a fuck. Whatever happens, it won’t change a thing in the grand scheme of things. It doesn’t matter what happens to me or what I create, because we’re all gonna die someday, and since the universe doesn’t care, what’s the point? Nothing actually matters. I don’t matter. You know what, even? I don’t care either. I don’t care about school and how I feel and I don’t care if I get shit done. It wouldn’t matter anyways.’ all of this was whispered hoarsely into Phil’s chest.  
It broke Phil’s heart. To know that Dan felt like that, that he thought he didn’t matter, it was the worst thing in the world. He just wanted to kiss Dan and hold him and promise that he was gonna be alright. Unfortunately he couldn’t, because Dan was not his boyfriend and one does not kiss one’s best friend out of nowhere. So Phil did the best he could, for the time being.  
‘Listen, Dan. You’re right. In the wide scheme of things, it doesn’t matter. But it’s not like that, you’re not insignificant, because you are part of a small world. You know, although the whole world doesn’t care about you —or me, or anyone for that matter— there are people in your life who care about you. A lot, actually.’

Dan sighed, but said nothing, so Phil continued.

‘The things you do and how much you care, are worth doing and caring for because they affect your little part of the world, and that’s what’s important.’  
Dan looked up, removing his arms from Phil’s neck to his sides. It should’ve been awkward, sitting with Dan’s hands nearly touching Phil’s hips, but it wasn’t.   
‘Is it though?’ Dan said. ‘To who am I important, then? Name me one person that would give a single fuck if I stopped existing, Phil, I dare you.’ Dan sounded deadly serious, slightly scared, deeply bitter. It was so genuine, small. Broken, almost.

Phil swallowed hard. He could just say it, now. He could just say it and then it’d be over and done with. Dan had basically given him the perfect moment to say it. It would be stupid though, really stupid. Things would get awkward but Dan would say it was okay, while secretly feeling horrible about it, and then the emotions would build up inside of him until he snapped. And then they would have a horrible fight, and it would not end pretty. Phil swallowed hard before he answered. ‘I would care. If you died.’

Dan doesn’t speak, doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know how to respond.  
He did know it, deep down. Phil was his best friend, after all. Phil wouldn’t want him to die. Dan always had been pretty sure though, if that would ever happen, Phil would get over it soon enough. And above all that, Phil wouldn’t feel- not that way, not about Dan.

Dan had been silent for too long, and Phil was scared. He was terrified. Did Dan realise? Would he take it the platonic way? What if he didn’t? Phil was scared, because even though Dan had never expressed any particularly homophobic thoughts, he could still find it weird. Or maybe even gross. Could they pretend it never happened? Knowing Dan, they probably could for a while, until it got too awkward, too much for him to take.  
And then Dan would leave, and Phil, well, he would get over it, eventually. But he’d rather have Dan with him, than not.

Finally, after an agonisingly long minute, Dan cleared his throat. He was looking somewhere down Phil’s chest, rather then looking him in the eye. ‘Thank you.’  
Phil squinted his eyes slightly in confusion. ‘What for?’

‘For putting up with me.’

That was it.  
Phil threw all of his care overboard and kissed Dan. He took Dan’s face and pulled it closer, and then he kissed him. And it was brilliant, even though Dan’s cheeks were a little raw and damp from tears. Phil was finally, finally kissing Dan. Dan tensed, only slightly, but enough for Phil to notice.  _Shit_.  
Phil promptly let go.

Dan’s head was spinning. He couldn’t think. Phil was, he was-  
   _Phil_   _was_   _kissing_   _him_. His lips were cold, but soft. He smelled of soap and shampoo. Dan could almost feel his head exploding, and at the moment Dan closed his eyes, Phil dropped his hand and moved back.

Dan blinked. He looked at Phil. ‘What was that about?’  
Phil was the one who couldn’t make eye contact now. ‘I lost control, I- I’m sorry.’ he said quietly.  
Dan moves closer to Phil, basically sitting in his lap, except that Phil’s legs are around Dan, instead of underneath him. Dan presses his lips against Phil’s jawline, and softly, only for Phil to hear, he whispers.

‘You didn’t have to stop.’

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to my beta, Rosie, whom without this fic never would've seen the light of day. and thank you for reading! you can send me a message via my tumblr: pansexualphil.tumblr.com


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